It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
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[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough