the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
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Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
opening twitter today
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin