My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
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With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Skills
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT