Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
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If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.