If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
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Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
BRO LMFAO
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Baking is just science you can eat.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
My teenage children choosing violence