The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
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The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.