@garrydavenport

The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.

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@kimwilliamz

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

@Tbone7219

For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.

When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.

@ozzyunc

The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.

@HomeProbably

The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.

@DartsBofficial

Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.

@beefman138

I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.

@ChefRonSullivan

Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …

@LackOfShame

The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.