The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.

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There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁


For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.

When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.


Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.


The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.


The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.


Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.


My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.


I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.


Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …


The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.