the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
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what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.