John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
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I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
#gardening
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.