Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
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At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
peeping toms
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
WWE is French for “yes”
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.