Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
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Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Breaking news:
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs