Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
You Might Also Like
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
bro what is going on at twitter
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?