Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
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If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
I only treason on days ending in y
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
This is a bad sign
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke