When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
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Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant