Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
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*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Any refunds available?…
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.