Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
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I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
why would tinder want me to say this
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
this is the news I live for
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
paddle faster i hear baby shark