this is the news I live for
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[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.