this is the news I live for
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Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Life with a cat in one tweet
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.