ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
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Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.