Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
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[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”