The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
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Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.