[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
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According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.