Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
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Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Password ex…
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
one last job
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.