My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
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You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.