I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
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When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
2022 be like
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”