When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
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me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry