When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
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ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone