[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”![]()
You Might Also Like
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
![]()
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x![]()
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.