[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
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I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.