My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
You Might Also Like
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.