My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
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Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
The game has officially changed 😎
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.