The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
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exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
sry
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
she would like to bark at the manager, please.