I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
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I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
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Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe