Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
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[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
[Texts to 14]
Hey
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon