[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
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why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Worlds greatest photobomb
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Camping tip: No.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.