Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 馃槀馃ぃ
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Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
I hope you don鈥檛 feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that鈥檚 how the fight started.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo鈥檚 Mother鈥檚 Day card as her own, and while I don鈥檛 support lying I do respect the hustle
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 馃槒
Him: We all are…
As an ex-smoker, if I鈥檇 known back then just how many balloons I鈥檇 be expected to blow up in later years, I鈥檇 have thought twice about ever having kids.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right 鈥榬ound like a record.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls