I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
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You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
me after eating Cheetos
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*