A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
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Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
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I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
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The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
me irl
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Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.