People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
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Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
(Electricians.)
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them