ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
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I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons