“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
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Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save