You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
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Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces