*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
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My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Not today.. 😂
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!