9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
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Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign