@GregHenchman “Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
@SamGrittner I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
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@GregHenchman 
@LurkAtHomeMom The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
@awakendmindsoul frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
@bornmiserable HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
@TheCatWhisprer Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
@hibbary Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
@moiragallaga First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
@KentWGraham I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
@TheUnderfold Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
@Seinfeld2000 JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously