Woke up with morning Yule Log
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The Assassin.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
I found your tweet-up…
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Namaste
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.