The Assassin.
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I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.