They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
You Might Also Like
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
LA today:
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
I hate when that happens.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.