F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
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“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere