Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
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I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”