Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
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*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…