she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
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him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.