Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
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God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
You have been warned.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Autocorrect is my menesis
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
wait.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?