hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
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Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
*Inspirational Tweets*
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.